Sexuality in College Students: Questions and Answers
By Dr. Richard BoyumSexual activity is a normal part of human experience. Thoughts, feelings, words and actions are, all a part of our being, sexual. There are a wide variety of behavioral patterns that define appropriate sexual activity. In many ways, they are as varying as the individuals that practice them. These questions and answers are meant to explore some of the basic issues that college students may deal with regarding their sexual expressions, thoughts and feelings. They are meant to be a catalyst to discussions, not only on these questions but others that are not included in this handout.
1. Are having sexual thoughts and feelings normal? On the other hand is it normal not to have them?
The answer to both of these questions is yes. Human beings can have a wide variety of sexual thoughts, feelings, and opportunities for expression in any given day or week. At the same time if the individual is extremely busy, preoccupied, tired, stressed, or simply not interested in another individual, there may be a period that individuals have an absence of sexual thoughts and feelings.
2. Are fantasies healthy and normal, even if some of them are embarrassing or outside of one's normal sexual behavior patterns?
There are significant differences between sexual behavior and thoughts. Human beings explore many ideas through thoughts, some of which they may act on and some of which they may choose not to act on. It is normal to be curious and wonder about things. Some fantasies are kept by individuals to themselves and others are shared.
3. I am relatively sexually inexperienced. How does one learn about sexual technique?
When the time is appropriate and you are comfortable in a relationship with someone, technique usually takes care of itself. Communication between two people is the best way to determine what sexual techniques bring the highest level of satisfaction and pleasure. Of course there are books, magazines, and many excellent websites that can also provide helpful information. Professional counselors, as well as physicians, can be helpful if you would like information from a professional.
4. What about alcohol and other drugs?
The bottom line is that alcohol and other drugs generally cause problems in sexual behavior. A very high percentage of sexual problems and misunderstandings occur under the influence of alcohol and other drugs. Sex without the use of other drugs is generally considered the healthiest appropriate way to express oneself sexually.
5. What about the frequency of sexual behavior?
I stated earlier, sex can be expressed overtly with a willing partner, by yourself through self-pleasuring, or through thoughts and fantasies. Depending upon your own predispositions, the availability of partner, and the time you have available frequency varies from one individual to the next. As long as you are able to participate in all of your other activities, frequency has a way of taking care of itself.
6. You mentioned self-pleasuring, can you say a little more?
While American culture has had difficulty dealing with self-pleasuring and masturbation in the past, it is considered to be a very appropriate form of sexual expression. This is true, as with other forms sexual behavior, as long as it is not something an individual is opposed to, based on their own value system or some philosophical or religious teaching. Self pleasuring allows an individual to express themselves sexually as a means to reduce stress, tensions, to feel good, to fantasize, and to do so in a way that does not endanger their own physical well-being. Clearly, you cannot have a pregnancy or get a disease through self-pleasuring activities. It generally only becomes a problem if it gets in the way of a normal sexual relationship with a partner, or if it detracts from other activities as part of one's normal life.
7. What about protection?
Plain and simple, if you are going to be sexually active, you and your partner need to take precautions against both sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Anxiety and worry about pregnancy and STDs are real detractors from an enjoyable sexual relationship. If either of these two states do occur, a lot of time and energy is spent in having to deal with something that you probably rather wish you had avoided.
8. If I do have a problem regarding some aspect of my sexual feelings or sexual behavior, whom can I talk to?
Generally on a college campus, university counseling service staff or health service staff are excellent in dealing with the wide variety of problems you may wish to address. These are handled in a confidential manner. Know that professionals in both counseling services and health services are very comfortable in dealing with these issues, and you can address them in a very straightforward and comfortable manner.
9. Can medications or such mood states as depression affect one's sexual desire or behavior?
Of course they can. Often times when individuals are depressed there is a decrease in sexual desire. The same is true for extreme fatigue or stress, although on occasion individuals may find themselves feeling more sexual. Certain medications may have negative effects on sexual desire. These effects are generally rare. It is important when you are on medications to talk with physicians about any possible side effects and adjustments that can be made in the medications.
10. What would you say the key components are to a healthy sexual relationship?
Clearly, the most important component is good, open, honest communication. Respect for your partner in a healthy relationship, in other areas of the relationship, contribute to individuals being able to enjoy the sexual aspects of their relationship.
11. Does sex change a relationship?
When the sun comes up does it get light? Of course it does. Whenever sex is introduced into any relationship, it has a significant impact on the relationship. Sexual behavior has many components to it - physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. The kind of intimacy that sex creates, can create a perspective that can enrich and move a relationship forward. If the expression is inappropriate, it can destroy the relationship. This is why appropriate communication and a mutual understanding about the nature of where sex fits into a giving relationship is important.
These questions are just some of the many questions that individuals may want to explore in thinking about their sexual relationships.