Long Distance Relationships
By Dr. Richard BoyumWhen individuals are separated by time and space, long distance relationships require a unique management style. Generally, long distance relationships fall into three categories. These categories are family, friends and acquaintances, and dating relationships. Working to maintain these relationships requires certain elements that are common to all three, but some are unique to each situation. It is important to remember that you only have so much time and so much energy as new relationships build. In your present life at school, certain old relationships will, out of a natural process, begin to change or shift in their importance. Being thoughtful about the choices you make in your relationship is an important part of personal growth.
There are a number of significant ways that you can keep in touch with individuals. Certainly email has become a practice and an inexpensive way to keep contact with people, in each of these categories, that you care about. Phone calls, letters or cards also have their place. Strategically planned visits on weekends, holidays, and special occasions are also important. These, of course, have to be balanced against the new relationships that you are developing at school.
There are several key components to remember in the three types of relationships mentioned above. When you do plan a visit, communication about the visit is extremely important. What are the expectations of the people involved? What plans do you intend to make with the time that you have available? The clearer you are about the time you have available and the activities that you choose to share, the more positive the experience will be. Also, there is a three-stage process in your visit. The stages are the anticipation of the actual experience itself, and then reflection after returning to college. Accepting this reality, the natural process of the visit will be experienced in a more positive way.
It is also important to remember that all relationships, whether ones you create in your current space at school or those with people that are distant, change. It is simply part of life. In each of these relationships, it is valuable to sit down and talk with individuals about the relationship itself. How has the relationship been? Where is it now? Where would you like it to go? Whether it is with family, friends, or a dating relationship, time apart can add the richness and perspective to a relationship. People can grow to new levels of understanding and appreciation. A new kind of adult-to-adult relationship can begin to occur with your parents, once you have left home. If you still depend on your parents for economic support or live at home over extended breaks, you need to talk with them about expectations and responsibilities.
Friends and dating relationships are a different story. While some of the same issues can occur, these relationships follow a different progression. Again, open, honest communication is extremely important. In relationships with friends or in dating relationships, couples need to discuss the goals and expectations of the relationships and also some of their wants and needs. It is also important to be honest about the fact that many relationships in these two categories can be outgrown, as you change and meet new people at school. If individuals wish to maintain these types of relationships, special effort and understanding needs to be created. Particularly in dating relationships, time apart can allow individuals to focus on their studies and academics in a very creative and positive way. It is also possible that, because of the distance, extraordinary efforts can be made to maintain and cause a relationship to grow and become stronger.
The bottom line is that relationships require people to relate. In the vary nature of relating to stay connected, consider using some of these ideas as a framework to establish how you balance your relationships in other places and spaces, with the relationships that you have with individuals in your school environment.